Monthly Archives

October 2013

Forgiveness

Taking Baby Steps

I did it.  I didn’t want to.  I didn’t feel ready.  But I did it.

I finally met with my mom after over 5 years of not seeing her.  Needless to say, it has been a very emotional couple of weeks.

Of course I was nervous, anxious, and scared.  I had spent the last few years dealing with a lot of issues, coming to terms with things, and rebuilding my life.  I was finally in a positive and happy state-of-mind which I had worked so hard at.  Was I really willing to jeopardize all of it and possibly let back in the negative aspects of my former life…one of the main reasons behind why I was scarred and broken?

I kept asking myself if I was insane.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Was I crazy to even think about extending my hand out, yet again, to someone who has hurt me time and time again?  What made me think that things would be different this time around and that all of a sudden, she would come around and be a loving, kind mother?  All of it made me uncomfortable and vulnerable.

What I realized was that the thought of meeting with her or speaking with her would always make me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.  But at some point, I was going to have to speak with her.  I couldn’t deny her forever.  Well, I could but then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself because that’s just how I am.  No, she probably didn’t change much with old age but I had to give it a try and go at it with optimism just so I would know that I tried.  Alas, against my better judgment, I went to visit my mom.

I can’t even explain the emotions that ran through me as I was at the front door.  I wanted to turn around and leave but that would just prolong the inevitable.

It wasn’t the best meeting.  It could have gone better if she didn’t fall back to old habits and start a fight with me.  Although I left not in good spirits, I did not leave crying and broken.  I knew I was much stronger than that and yes, it wasn’t the ideal scenario but at least I had taken the first step and gotten through it.

That’s what it’s really all about…taking baby steps.  Having hope.  Treading lightly.  Only going as far as you can handle or as it makes you comfortable.  For me, that was spending an hour with my estranged mother and I was ready to get out of there.  But at least I made an effort and it was a step in the right direction.  Maybe eventually I would get there, but that day was not the day.  Baby steps.  It is a journey after all…

Love

It’s Never Too Late…

Yesterday I witnessed love in the most beautiful form…the love of a parent.  Never-ending, guiding, protective love.  It is unique to each parent-child bond and sometimes, the simplest ways that parents express love goes unnoticed.  But the love is there.

My sister-in-law came into town to visit and she always stays at her parent’s house when she comes home.  She was planning to go out last night and this was the conversation between her dad (my father-in-law) and her:

DAD: “Oh you’re going out tonight?”

SIL: “Yep, just to watch a movie.”

DAD: “Are you coming home to sleep?”…with a little bit of panic and worry that an average person would never sense

SIL: “Of course.”

DAD: “Ok.”…with relief

My sister-in-law is 28 years old and a grown woman.  But she will ALWAYS be daddy’s little girl.  A father’s love never fades.  She may be grown and able to take care of herself but he will always worry about her and want to protect her.  It was a simple conversation that I was a witness to.  A normal conversation.  But there is such deeper meaning to the simple things sometimes.  He cares so much about his little girl and wants to protect her and he just needed peace of mind…that when she gets home, she will be safe under his roof.  I am lucky that I have gained such a loving father in my life.  He is an amazing man.

Sometimes I think that my own father must love me deep down, just as good fathers do.  I think that the generational gap and cultural barrier doesn’t allow him to show me or tell me that he cares that much.  But then I’m reminded of his hurtful words and actions…and I tell myself that he had many opportunities to see the wrong-doing in his “ways of showing love.”  Although I no longer speak to him because I was tired of getting hurt all the time, there is still a very small part of me that hopes and prays that he will show up one day.  Not literally show up outside my door (I would hate that) but that he will be my dad and act as a loving father would and try.  Being a dad isn’t about just being related by blood.  You have to act as a father would, be involved and care like dads do, and tell as well as show your kids how much you love them…everyday.

The truth of the matter is that it’s never too late.  It’s never too late to show that you care…to try to right the wrong…to show that you have changed…to try to win your daughter’s love back and show why you are deserving of re-entering my life…  It’s never too late to make new memories…to get to know my new family…to say things that you have never said in 30 years but had always thought and couldn’t find the words to say.  It’s never too late…until you’re gone forever.

empowerment

I Never Thought I Would Live To See 30…

The other day was the first time that I actually said aloud that I never planned for my life past 30 because I never thought I would live to see the day.  Whether it was due to natural causes or my own hand at it, I DID NOT and COULD NOT picture a life beyond my struggles at the time.  THAT IS SAD.  Because my life is amazing now.  And I can’t imagine not being here to live out this moment.  It is beautiful and surreal and I appreciate every little experience I have the chance to take in.  I have a great husband and we build our relationship everyday.  I have an active baby in my womb and I already know that he is absolutely perfect.  I am strong, confident, exuberant about life and the possibilities.  And I can’t believe how much I’ve grown from where I was to where I am now…it seems impossible.

I want to let others know that the hurt and pain, misery and sadness, is all temporary.  The thought that you cannot deal with it (whatever IT may be) or move on…ONE DAY YOU WILL.  No, you will never forget or erase it out of your memory but you can learn to look at it differently once you have acknowledged that IT did happen.  IT is in the past.  When you start feeling rage, anger, pain…LET IT ALL COME OUT.  Let the tears flow.  Live in that moment so you can grieve and leave it all out there so you can move on.  Let yourself heal and take your time with that.  If you try to move on when you’re not ready, you will not be breaking the cycle, only to revert back to it later and you definitely don’t want to do that.  No one can tell you that “you need to get over it already”…even if it’s been 3 decades.  Those outsiders who don’t get it are not you.  They don’t know the intensity that you’re feeling.  But know this…“This too shall pass” and that is the truth.

I know it’s hard to associate any kind of positivity during the healing process but somewhere, deep inside of you is a glimmer of hope that is stronger than you know.  There is a fighter in you.  One who will achieve amazing feats.  One who will look back and feel the exact same way as I feel now…that the possibilities are endless.

One of my favorite Radio personalities is Big Boy from Power 106.  He is not only hilarious, but he has a great outlook on life.  I love hearing his perspective and most of all, his positivity is infectious.  During a show, I heard him say something that stuck with me.

Never have a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Big Boy is absolutely right.  I know you may be thinking that it’s easier said than done, but I’m living proof of it and so are millions of others.

free-woman-arms-up-and-liberated

I don’t believe that I am a victim…or a survivor.  I believe that I am the definer of my own destiny.  I appreciate that I wasn’t handed everything on a silver platter.  I appreciate that my struggle has helped to mold me to be who I am today.  I no longer let it bring me down because I have dealt with it.  And that is important.  I no longer harbor anger or shame inside…I have evolved to seek a better life and my journey has led me to happiness.  True happiness.  Liberation from negativity and bad energy.  The realization that I am who I am today because of MY will-power and strength.  I have a lot of people to thank for that as well…for their love and support.  But instead of beating myself up as I tend to do, today I can say that I am proud of myself.  I know I did this.  And no one can take that away from me.