Browsing Tag

forgiveness

Child Abuse, domestic violence

I loved you anyways…

When I was little,  all I wanted was love and affection

From my family…from you…

I wanted you to play and laugh with me and read me stories

And though I never got that, I loved you anyways

 

You told me you didn’t want me because I was a girl

You already had a son but you wanted SO BADLY for me to be a boy

You left me on the street corner hoping someone would take me

But no matter what…I loved you anyways

 

You held me at the top of the stairs and told me you would drop me

You left me with scars; physical, mental and emotional

You traumatized me more than you ever realized

And still…somehow…I managed to love you anyways

 

You never told me you were proud of me

Nothing I ever did was good enough

You could never even mutter the words ‘I love you’

But I continued to love you anyways

 

You told me that I wasn’t really part of the family

Because one day, I would change my last name

So you made me feel like I did not belong

And yet…I loved you anyways

 

I called you to tell you I was engaged

You could not even be happy for me

“Have a nice life and tell your kids that their grandparents are dead”

I could no longer love you

 

Now you are getting older but definitely not wiser

You are missing out on the beautiful evolution of life

The simple pleasures of watching your kid’s kid grow up

You don’t deserve to experience the joyful bliss and happiness he brings

 

But I am not you

I would never take things away from you

Or say such hurtful words

And so…love lingers

 

——

Writing these blogs continuously help me to heal.  This one specifically moved me to tears and I let the emotion attached to these words release.  It’s a pretty powerful and liberating feeling.

If you are holding on to something from the past, you should try to find a peaceful way to let go and leave it all out there…where it belongs.  Out with the old and in with the new! Don’t look back!

So tell me…what outlet do you use to move on from the hurt?

Forgiveness

Taking Baby Steps

I did it.  I didn’t want to.  I didn’t feel ready.  But I did it.

I finally met with my mom after over 5 years of not seeing her.  Needless to say, it has been a very emotional couple of weeks.

Of course I was nervous, anxious, and scared.  I had spent the last few years dealing with a lot of issues, coming to terms with things, and rebuilding my life.  I was finally in a positive and happy state-of-mind which I had worked so hard at.  Was I really willing to jeopardize all of it and possibly let back in the negative aspects of my former life…one of the main reasons behind why I was scarred and broken?

I kept asking myself if I was insane.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Was I crazy to even think about extending my hand out, yet again, to someone who has hurt me time and time again?  What made me think that things would be different this time around and that all of a sudden, she would come around and be a loving, kind mother?  All of it made me uncomfortable and vulnerable.

What I realized was that the thought of meeting with her or speaking with her would always make me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.  But at some point, I was going to have to speak with her.  I couldn’t deny her forever.  Well, I could but then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself because that’s just how I am.  No, she probably didn’t change much with old age but I had to give it a try and go at it with optimism just so I would know that I tried.  Alas, against my better judgment, I went to visit my mom.

I can’t even explain the emotions that ran through me as I was at the front door.  I wanted to turn around and leave but that would just prolong the inevitable.

It wasn’t the best meeting.  It could have gone better if she didn’t fall back to old habits and start a fight with me.  Although I left not in good spirits, I did not leave crying and broken.  I knew I was much stronger than that and yes, it wasn’t the ideal scenario but at least I had taken the first step and gotten through it.

That’s what it’s really all about…taking baby steps.  Having hope.  Treading lightly.  Only going as far as you can handle or as it makes you comfortable.  For me, that was spending an hour with my estranged mother and I was ready to get out of there.  But at least I made an effort and it was a step in the right direction.  Maybe eventually I would get there, but that day was not the day.  Baby steps.  It is a journey after all…

Love

It’s Never Too Late…

Yesterday I witnessed love in the most beautiful form…the love of a parent.  Never-ending, guiding, protective love.  It is unique to each parent-child bond and sometimes, the simplest ways that parents express love goes unnoticed.  But the love is there.

My sister-in-law came into town to visit and she always stays at her parent’s house when she comes home.  She was planning to go out last night and this was the conversation between her dad (my father-in-law) and her:

DAD: “Oh you’re going out tonight?”

SIL: “Yep, just to watch a movie.”

DAD: “Are you coming home to sleep?”…with a little bit of panic and worry that an average person would never sense

SIL: “Of course.”

DAD: “Ok.”…with relief

My sister-in-law is 28 years old and a grown woman.  But she will ALWAYS be daddy’s little girl.  A father’s love never fades.  She may be grown and able to take care of herself but he will always worry about her and want to protect her.  It was a simple conversation that I was a witness to.  A normal conversation.  But there is such deeper meaning to the simple things sometimes.  He cares so much about his little girl and wants to protect her and he just needed peace of mind…that when she gets home, she will be safe under his roof.  I am lucky that I have gained such a loving father in my life.  He is an amazing man.

Sometimes I think that my own father must love me deep down, just as good fathers do.  I think that the generational gap and cultural barrier doesn’t allow him to show me or tell me that he cares that much.  But then I’m reminded of his hurtful words and actions…and I tell myself that he had many opportunities to see the wrong-doing in his “ways of showing love.”  Although I no longer speak to him because I was tired of getting hurt all the time, there is still a very small part of me that hopes and prays that he will show up one day.  Not literally show up outside my door (I would hate that) but that he will be my dad and act as a loving father would and try.  Being a dad isn’t about just being related by blood.  You have to act as a father would, be involved and care like dads do, and tell as well as show your kids how much you love them…everyday.

The truth of the matter is that it’s never too late.  It’s never too late to show that you care…to try to right the wrong…to show that you have changed…to try to win your daughter’s love back and show why you are deserving of re-entering my life…  It’s never too late to make new memories…to get to know my new family…to say things that you have never said in 30 years but had always thought and couldn’t find the words to say.  It’s never too late…until you’re gone forever.