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suicide

Daily Reminders, Inspiration

Daily Reminders to Myself

We lose touch so easily.  There’s always so much going on.  That one conversation, text, email, intent to hang out…gets pushed further and further back.  Priorities get shifted and the span between you and your friend, has now become quite a distance.  Maintaining our relationships takes a lot of effort but it’s worthwhile.  Don’t let your relationships fade.  That bond is hard to get back.

We lose track of time so easily.  One day turns into weeks that turns into a couple of months and suddenly…a year has gone by.  Time flies!  We all know that.  Our time is extremely valuable.  So we must make the most of it.  Carpe Diem right?  Don’t let the lack of time be your excuse.  Make the time!

We lose opportunities so easily.  There are open doors all around us.  Everywhere.  It’s not just when one door closes, another door opens.  Our short-sightedness doesn’t allow us to see all the open doors and golden opportunities.  So take a look around.  Push a little harder on that door…maybe it’s ajar…it could just be a stubborn door.  Don’t lose sight of the present.  That life-changing opportunity might be right in front of you.

We lose too much too easily.  On a day to day basis.  And we lose a part of ourselves during the process.  Not everyday is a good day but as long as you’re having more good days than bad, you are doing okay.  If you aren’t there yet, no worries…you will get there when the time is right.  Don’t let your current circumstance define what your future holds.  It’s just a phase.  Hold on and be strong.  It can last a long time but it’s something that, once you rise above it, will fuel you for the rest of your life.

These are words I always have to remind myself of.  Daily.  I need to make the effort to nurture my relationships.  I need to make the time.  I need to stay in the present moment.  I remind myself that circumstances do change.  If I didn’t go through my own rough period, my life would not be the same.  That empowerment came from rising from my struggles.  I am grateful for this life.  Everyday.

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This post is dedicated to my old friend Chris.  He had a contagious smile and a good heart.  His authenticity will forever stay in my heart.  You will be missed and never forgotten.  R.I.P Chris

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  -Maya Angelou

R.I.P Maya Angelou

 

photo credit: By Dustin Scarpitti

empowerment

I Never Thought I Would Live To See 30…

The other day was the first time that I actually said aloud that I never planned for my life past 30 because I never thought I would live to see the day.  Whether it was due to natural causes or my own hand at it, I DID NOT and COULD NOT picture a life beyond my struggles at the time.  THAT IS SAD.  Because my life is amazing now.  And I can’t imagine not being here to live out this moment.  It is beautiful and surreal and I appreciate every little experience I have the chance to take in.  I have a great husband and we build our relationship everyday.  I have an active baby in my womb and I already know that he is absolutely perfect.  I am strong, confident, exuberant about life and the possibilities.  And I can’t believe how much I’ve grown from where I was to where I am now…it seems impossible.

I want to let others know that the hurt and pain, misery and sadness, is all temporary.  The thought that you cannot deal with it (whatever IT may be) or move on…ONE DAY YOU WILL.  No, you will never forget or erase it out of your memory but you can learn to look at it differently once you have acknowledged that IT did happen.  IT is in the past.  When you start feeling rage, anger, pain…LET IT ALL COME OUT.  Let the tears flow.  Live in that moment so you can grieve and leave it all out there so you can move on.  Let yourself heal and take your time with that.  If you try to move on when you’re not ready, you will not be breaking the cycle, only to revert back to it later and you definitely don’t want to do that.  No one can tell you that “you need to get over it already”…even if it’s been 3 decades.  Those outsiders who don’t get it are not you.  They don’t know the intensity that you’re feeling.  But know this…“This too shall pass” and that is the truth.

I know it’s hard to associate any kind of positivity during the healing process but somewhere, deep inside of you is a glimmer of hope that is stronger than you know.  There is a fighter in you.  One who will achieve amazing feats.  One who will look back and feel the exact same way as I feel now…that the possibilities are endless.

One of my favorite Radio personalities is Big Boy from Power 106.  He is not only hilarious, but he has a great outlook on life.  I love hearing his perspective and most of all, his positivity is infectious.  During a show, I heard him say something that stuck with me.

Never have a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Big Boy is absolutely right.  I know you may be thinking that it’s easier said than done, but I’m living proof of it and so are millions of others.

free-woman-arms-up-and-liberated

I don’t believe that I am a victim…or a survivor.  I believe that I am the definer of my own destiny.  I appreciate that I wasn’t handed everything on a silver platter.  I appreciate that my struggle has helped to mold me to be who I am today.  I no longer let it bring me down because I have dealt with it.  And that is important.  I no longer harbor anger or shame inside…I have evolved to seek a better life and my journey has led me to happiness.  True happiness.  Liberation from negativity and bad energy.  The realization that I am who I am today because of MY will-power and strength.  I have a lot of people to thank for that as well…for their love and support.  But instead of beating myself up as I tend to do, today I can say that I am proud of myself.  I know I did this.  And no one can take that away from me.

domestic violence, empowerment, Inspiration, PTSD

Pulling Myself Out of a Deep, Dark Abyss

I remember as a child, I used to think that victims of domestic violence were homeless and poor with raggedy clothes and funky body odor because they literally were running away for their lives.  I had no idea that they came in the form of everyday people with what seemed to be a normal life.  People who would actually fake the funk.  Put on a front that they had the perfect life with the perfect family and perfect job.  Or they had to make everything appear to be perfect.  Isn’t it crazy that I did not fall apart until I was 27?  I was one of those people without even knowing it.  Somehow, I had suppressed my childhood in the back of my mind and was not truly living my life.

My whole world came crumbling down on that day.  I remember it clearly and can replay every second of my downward, dark spiral.  I was at work (a job I had had for almost 5 years) and I was having a breakdown.  I called my friends and they told me that I needed to go home.  I called my boss and for some reason, held back no discretion, and I straight up told him that I needed to go home because something was not right and I wanted to “kill myself”.  It was a bizarre, unwanted feeling.  Suicide had rolled off my lips in the past but I only contemplated it during two phases of my life.  I never had acted.  This time it came at me in full force and there was no running away.

Leave me alone

I went into the deepest, darkest, black abyss I had ever experienced and NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND.  Only I felt it and I could not sit and listen to anyone nor cared to.  A person who once was the most caring individual, suddenly did not care for anyone or anything.  I couldn’t hear anything or pay attention to anything.  I WAS JUST GONE.  I didn’t want to see anyone or for them to see me.  I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed in the dark in my pjs.  I guess I was just hoping I would never wake up.  Friends tried and I lost touch with my brother because of our differences in opinion.  No one could pull me back to reality.  Thank god they make you take these therapy sessions in order for you to stay out of work.  I hated them but they helped me.  Sort of.  Many therapy sessions, and a couple of misdiagnosed prescriptions later, I wasn’t miraculously healed.  I went through the worst inner struggle of my life.  Thoughts of what the purpose of my life was and it’s meaning.

depression

The whole time, I thought I was so stressed out at work that I had broken finally.  One 10-minute session with the MD…changed my life.  Within 5 minutes of talking to me and reading my file while she was writing my prescription, she told me I was suffering from PTSD.  I thought there was no way and she was delirious.  I told her “I haven’t been through a war or anything…how could I have PTSD?” Baffled, I went home…and upon thinking about it for hours and days, I realized that she was right.  All that time I had therapy and group sessions and they had no idea what was wrong with me…they said it was depression…and all it took this doctor was 5 minutes.  I knew it had to be something deeper.  And it explained so much.  Needless to say, I stopped going to therapy once I fulfilled my required amount.  I was no longer in denial.

Slowly and with caution, I started picking up the pieces now that I had an answer for why I was feeling the way I was.  It was as if I was reborn…as if I had shed my old skin and was born anew.  Baby skin.  Starting all over from scratch.  Rebuilding a new life with a different path for myself.  I realized how this epiphany would change my life forever.

The first phase was over and I faced it head on.  The next phase was about what I would do with this new-found awareness.  Would I get back into the same depressing cycle (which was my fear) or would I be able to move on?  Could I really leave all the trauma behind and live a life free of my past…the tormenting flashbacks…the negativity?  To my own amazement, the whole experience made me stronger.  I didn’t have therapists telling me what to do or how I should be able to move on.  I did it at my own pace and I truly believe that was what strengthened me mentally.  I did it because I WANTED TO and because I could do it on my own.  A sense of overwhelming empowerment had taken over and I had no idea what I was capable of.   And that is what continues to drive me.

I found love…and he is the one who helped me through my broken time of healing.   His love and support meant the world to me.  It’s true what they say…timing IS everything.  He came at a time when I needed the support the most and for him, I will always be truly grateful.

The happy, expectant parents

The happy, expectant parents

When I tell people a little about my past, most can’t imagine and I can tell they feel bad for me.  But I started talking about my past, not for pity, but to share the strength in my story…where I came from to where I am now.  I don’t feel bad for myself.  I appreciate my experience, as awful as it was, because it has helped mold me to be a better person.  I was able to tell wrong from right and I broke the cycle.

I will be raising my kids in a loving environment.  I used to say I would never bring kids into this ugly world, but I realized that we all can teach goodness and pay it forward by being an example.  My goal in life is to share the goodness and share my story so those currently suffering know that they too can get there eventually.  By no means is it easy, but it IS possible to move on.  I still think about things and cry at times, but I am no longer weak.  My tears are those in mourning of my past life.  I know who I am and what direction I am headed.  And it feels amazing.  I want to help everyone to feel this way…this positivity…this happiness.  Because that is what every single person deserves…a chance to live a full and happy life.